Wednesday, December 07, 2005
I HATE THE HOMELESS
I LOVE TIM PAWLENTY
I HATE SCHOOLS
EVERYONE WHO DISAGREES WITH ME IS A COMMIE TRAITOR
KILL KILL KILL
I HATE TAXES
I LOVE GAS
I HATE NEWSPAPERS
I hate newspapers because they speak truth to power and challenge my privileged world view. I would much rather read blogs that rationalize my greedy lifestyle.
I LOVE GREED
Give me money, money, money. More, more, more, I can never have enough! And don’t even think about trying to tax any of it!
CLOSE THE LIBRARIES
Close all of those expensive libraries before someone learns something for free.
I LOVE SMOKE
I want to kill waiters and waitresses with my second hand smoke. If I have to die, I’m taking some innocents with me.
Wednesday, August 10, 2005
MY PUBLIC WANTS TRUTH-TELLING
I have the guts to talk frankly about these things.
Thursday, August 04, 2005
Wednesday, June 22, 2005
BLOGGERS ARE PRETENDING THEY CAN READ
Total number of books owned?
Zero. That’s right zero. I used to own some, but I donated them all to the Maxwell school in St. Paul to make up for the wingnuts burning all of their classroom books.
Last book I bought?
I don’t buy books. Ever hear of a thing called a library? That’s where poor folk like me get our books – at least until Pawlenty boards them all up.
Last book I read?
“Flowable Fill as Backfill for Bridge Abutments” by Joe Wilson. It turns out it wasn’t written by the guy who exposed Bush’s yellowcake lie, but it was still a good book.
Five books that mean a lot to me?
“The Bible” That’s right wingnuts, the Bible means a lot to me. And unlike those of you who call yourselves Christians like Hindendrocket and Little Trunk, I’ve scoured the whole thing and I’ve found no place that says “Thou shalt not torture except at Guantanamo Bay”.
“Origin of the Species” by Charles Darwin. I’ve not actually read it, but it is important to me because it proves that all of the wingnuts are somebody’s monkey.
“How to Win Friends and Influence People” by Dale Carnegie. I should really write my own book on this subject.
“The Star Tribune” by Nick Coleman, et al. This classic comes out daily, but is especially good on Wednesdays, Fridays, and Sundays.
I’m reserving the final spot for when my friend Jim Boyd finally writes his memoirs.
Five people I pass this on to?
Sunday, June 19, 2005
The Bloggers Have Violated My House!
When I arrived home after the open house, it was apparent that someone had made use of my master bathroom. It took nearly a full can of Lysol to render it usable. I am sure that person was a blogger, probably one of those nasty "Frat boys."
Thursday, May 26, 2005
GAY MARRIAGE: BRING ON THE SLIPPERY SLOPE
Their stupidest argument against gay marriage is that it will lead to a slippery slope and we will end up with three-way marriages. This is in fact the best argument IN FAVOR of gay marriage. The three-way marriage is a great idea. Let’s say (purely hypothetically) that you’re on your second trophy wife. Let’s also say that she’s starting to let herself go. Naturally, you’re starting to scope out your next TW. Let’s say (once again, this is purely hypothetical) that you’ve identified an excellent candidate. The trouble is, the timing may not be quite right for getting rid of the old TW. A transitional period of two TWs would be ideal. This would allow you the joys of a new TW while humanely allowing the old TW an occasional taste. Everybody wins! And that’s just why the wingnut monkeys are against it.
Thursday, May 19, 2005
I Am Also Not An Evil Little Gay Man
7. I am six feet tall.
6. I am not part of the right wing noise machine.
5. I've fathered far more than one child, with multiple women.
4. I like heterosexual pornography.
3. I play hockey.
2.I like to visit strip clubs with exotic female dancers.
1. Did I mention that I am six feet tall?
Nevertheless, we should allow evil little gay men to marry each other.