WINGNUTS HAVE HIJACKED MY BLOG!

Just because I’ve been busy with this thing I call a life and have let my blog become inactive doesn’t give the wingnuts the right to steal it! I suspect it was the PowerTool guys who hacked in and started posting their ignorant hate. The wingnuts sure complained when a liberal played a joke on that Kennedy blog (not one of the good Kennedys). I bet none of the hypocrites come to my defense.

I HATE THE HOMELESS

When are we going to clear the homeless out of here? I can’t stand looking at them and they are befouling my favorite White Castles.

I LOVE TIM PAWLENTY

I love Tim Pawlenty and would like to have gay sex with him even though I hate gays. I would love Michelle Bachman if I were a woman.

DITTOS!

I agree with Rush! I love the echo chamber where I’m not challenged by other more intelligent views.

I HATE SCHOOLS

I don’t want to pay for children I don’t even know to go to school. They can learn everything they need to know on the streets.

EVERYONE WHO DISAGREES WITH ME IS A COMMIE TRAITOR

If you don’t agree with me you are a commie traitor even though you are a decorated war hero and I am a chicken hawk.

KILL KILL KILL

Let’s go kill all of the Arabs in the Middle East. I mean you, not me because I’m a chicken hawk.

I HATE TAXES

I pay too many taxes even though I’m rich and can afford them. I am a member of the Tax Evaders Militia. I want the poor people to pay my taxes for me and then I want to cut services to them so they all starve.

I LOVE GAS

I just bought a new big hummer that I leave idling even when I’m not using it to burn as much gas as possible so I can justify invading the innocents of the Middle East and stealing their gas and so I can justify befouling ANWR with my dirty oil rigs. I feel like my trunk is bigger already.

GOD HATES YOU

God told me that he hates you if you are not a Republican.

I HATE NEWSPAPERS

I hate newspapers because they speak truth to power and challenge my privileged world view. I would much rather read blogs that rationalize my greedy lifestyle.

I LOVE GREED

Give me money, money, money. More, more, more, I can never have enough! And don’t even think about trying to tax any of it!

CLOSE THE LIBRARIES

Close all of those expensive libraries before someone learns something for free.

I LOVE SMOKE

I want to kill waiters and waitresses with my second hand smoke. If I have to die, I’m taking some innocents with me.

MY PUBLIC WANTS TRUTH-TELLING

I'm not wasting my mornings broadcasting on Air America Radio anymore and that suits me just fine. The rumor that I've been booted from Air America is false. I'm just spending more time with my family.

I have the guts to talk frankly about these things.

Light Blogging

Blogging will be light because I, unlike the wingnuts, truly believe in family values.

BLOGGERS ARE PRETENDING THEY CAN READ

All of the wingnut bloggers are making up answers to questions about books trying to convince people that they actually read. One of them suggested that I answer the same questions. My first thought was that I’m not their monkey, but then I decided to show them how a professional journalist would handle the questions – even though I already know so much stuff I don’t really need to read anymore.

Total number of books owned?
Zero. That’s right zero. I used to own some, but I donated them all to the Maxwell school in St. Paul to make up for the wingnuts burning all of their classroom books.

Last book I bought?
I don’t buy books. Ever hear of a thing called a library? That’s where poor folk like me get our books – at least until Pawlenty boards them all up.

Last book I read?
“Flowable Fill as Backfill for Bridge Abutments” by Joe Wilson. It turns out it wasn’t written by the guy who exposed Bush’s yellowcake lie, but it was still a good book.

Five books that mean a lot to me?
“The Bible” That’s right wingnuts, the Bible means a lot to me. And unlike those of you who call yourselves Christians like Hindendrocket and Little Trunk, I’ve scoured the whole thing and I’ve found no place that says “Thou shalt not torture except at Guantanamo Bay”.

“Origin of the Species” by Charles Darwin. I’ve not actually read it, but it is important to me because it proves that all of the wingnuts are somebody’s monkey.

“How to Win Friends and Influence People” by Dale Carnegie. I should really write my own book on this subject.

“The Star Tribune” by Nick Coleman, et al. This classic comes out daily, but is especially good on Wednesdays, Fridays, and Sundays.

I’m reserving the final spot for when my friend Jim Boyd finally writes his memoirs.

Five people I pass this on to?
Jim Boyd
Cubby
Brian Lambert
Laura Billings
Captain Fishsticks

The Bloggers Have Violated My House!

I am in the process of selling my house. Last weekend this entailed having an "open house" where prospective buyers could come in and look around. Unfortunately, at least one right wing blogger violated their so-called free-trade principles and endeavored to ruin my foray into the real-estate marketplace.

When I arrived home after the open house, it was apparent that someone had made use of my master bathroom. It took nearly a full can of Lysol to render it usable. I am sure that person was a blogger, probably one of those nasty "Frat boys."

GAY MARRIAGE: BRING ON THE SLIPPERY SLOPE

The wingnuts hate gay marriage because they feel it will leave them no choice but to marry Tim Pawlenty. They all have gay crushes on Tim Pawlenty (or Michelle Bachman if they are female wingnuts) because they are all gay. It is a shame that they keep liberal gay people from getting married just because they want to have only extra-marital gay sex with Tim or Michelle.

Their stupidest argument against gay marriage is that it will lead to a slippery slope and we will end up with three-way marriages. This is in fact the best argument IN FAVOR of gay marriage. The three-way marriage is a great idea. Let’s say (purely hypothetically) that you’re on your second trophy wife. Let’s also say that she’s starting to let herself go. Naturally, you’re starting to scope out your next TW. Let’s say (once again, this is purely hypothetical) that you’ve identified an excellent candidate. The trouble is, the timing may not be quite right for getting rid of the old TW. A transitional period of two TWs would be ideal. This would allow you the joys of a new TW while humanely allowing the old TW an occasional taste. Everybody wins! And that’s just why the wingnut monkeys are against it.

I Am Also Not An Evil Little Gay Man

After Anders sentenced me to a diversity refresher course, I'm not allowed to say who is, but here are seven reasons that I am not:

7. I am six feet tall.
6. I am not part of the right wing noise machine.
5. I've fathered far more than one child, with multiple women.
4. I like heterosexual pornography.
3. I play hockey.
2.I like to visit strip clubs with exotic female dancers.
1. Did I mention that I am six feet tall?

Nevertheless, we should allow evil little gay men to marry each other.